Our Clingy Pets, or Demonic Animals For Whom We Provide Food and Shelter

Hello again my dearies! As promised some time ago, here are the Pets, uncensored, unrestrained, untrainable.


This is Zeke Whippet. He is the biggest, ugliest whippet I have ever encountered. He is, however, the sweetest dog I have ever met, if a tad passive-agressive ("Oh, were those YOUR library books I accidently shredded to pieces?" "You mean you DON'T want me to hose down the hardwood floors in the living room?" "I'm sorry, did I by mistake puke up a rawhide on the futon mere minutes before overnight guests are to arrive and sleep upon it? Heavens!" "Did the yeast infection in my ear cause you to spend tens of dollars on medication for me, which I ungratefully shake out as soon as you arent' looking?")






In this stunning photo, we see his nobility, his graceful form, his intelligent eyes. He's actually staring at a squirrel, hoping beyond hope that it will commit suicide by leaping into his mouth.




And finally, here is the "cat" which deigns to live under our roof. It is foul, evil, ghoulish, beastly. Also cute, needy, talkative, and asthmatic with a heart condition. He makes us laugh a lot.



Thus the livestock. I promise soon they'll do something ghastly I'll have to blog about. It's only a matter of time.

smooches,
Keith

Baby Joey, or Photo Essay on Cannabilistic Toddlers

Greetings friends and "family"!

I showcase this time some recent photos of the world's most cutest baby ever, Joey my nephew. Now don't get me wrong, I love him and his parents dearly, but sometimes I've wondered if all that cuteness isn't a ruse. I mean, my idiotic dog and psychopathic cat are cute, too, but they have deviousness behind the cuteness. The cat, while chewing on the dog's tail, will look me square in the eye as I bawl him out for gnawing on the dog. No flinching. No remorse. No recognition that I outweigh him by a factor of a whole bunch.

Ahem....

Clearly this child is nearing his apex of cuteness in this image. Note the innocence, the glee, the utter wonder at the world and all it holds.

His sparkling blue eyes plead "Pick me up! Love me! Let me ride on your shoulders! Also: my diaper smells like Calcutta in July!"

Lest any be immune to such pleas, his next weapon is the pout. Surely no pout has been as adorable as this since the beginning of the world.

BUT WAIT. The real goal is yet to be revealed. For I document here, for the first time, a truly shocking behavior.

TODDLER PLUCKS EYE FROM PARENTAL UNIT!!!!!

As horrific as this may be, he is still the cutest baby ever.

hugs,

Keith

Being Repressed, or Crazy People in Indy

Well my friends, I have finally seen the most horrific thing ever. Now don't get me wrong, I've seen some pretty fecked-up scheiBe in my day, oh yes. But this beats them all hands down. Allow me to set the stage...

So Dom and I go out for our semi-regular trip to Cracker Barrel. Yes, the same chain which a few years back got in trouble for firing its gay employees. I had since been told that they were reformed, and indeed I've only had the most pleasant experiences there. Thus no guilt for patronizing this business. And sometimes I just HAVE to have bacon and pancakes with maple syrup. And sweet tea. Cuz you cain't git sweet tea up here in the tundric midwest just anywhere.

As we were exiting said establishment, we came upon a none-too-recent light truck bedecked in what can only be described as plywood upon which had been painted messages. It was so foul I immediately peeled out (pealed??) and drove post-hast to the nearest Walgreen's for a disposable camera. Feast your eyes, O ye who dare:

It's rather tiny cuz Blogger compresses images a lot (click to enlarge!), but it says "HOMOSEXUALS JESUS CAN CHANGE YOU and then THE SOLUTION TO GAY MARRIAGE

WITH.

TWO.

NOOSES.

Now what you can't see is that there is a bumper sticker that proudly proclaims "Clergy".

So let me get this straight (no pun intended!!): For this member of the "clergy" the solution to gay marriage is to hang gay people. The Bible verse under the nooses is from Leviticus 20 which prescribes death for any man who lies with another man as with a woman. The other one is from II Corinthians 5. Leviticus 20, by the way, also prescribes death for adultery and for cursing one's mother or father. I won't get into the finer points of translating ancient Hebrew and Greek into modern English because there are specialists who have done that already. But I do ask this:

How is this ok? Why aren't people upset? Why did I shake and why did my heart pound in my chest when I saw the signs on this truck? Answer to the last one is: rage.

On the other side of the truck was this charming note: SALT OF THE EARTH CHRISTIANS NEEDED GAY PRIDE PARTY WHY: TO SAVE HOMOSEXUALS FROM HELL then with the date and place.

w00t! We didn't even know Indy Pride was going on. So we went, and were merry, and had a lovely time. We joined HRC. We signed petitions. We bought gay pride merchandise. We also went to Red Lobster and had shrimp while wearing cotton-lined blend clothing, also prohibited by Leviticus. Dom has tattoos, and I once played with a Ouija board, so we're all-around abominations. We even sometimes order pizza we call "Abomination Special": ham and bacon! Oh well. If we're going to hell at least all my friends and most of my family will be there with us!

There are more photos, but Blogger is still not cooperating. One photo? Fine. TWO photos in a blog? Apparently not.

with much REAL Christian love,

Keith